January
Jan 1
Quiet start to the new year. Wrote 738 words today - my goal for the year is at least 500 words per day, and I have people helping me keep to that, so it seems reasonable. No other creative work today, though I've been trying some pixel art recently - Minecraft skins, since seeing the work on a 3D model helps me imagine the shape without having to block it out myself.
This wasn't the happiest new year I've had. My grandmother died a week ago, and the funeral is in a few days. It's hard to make it feel real - now that she's gone, I don't have any living grandparents. I was close to her, but looking back, there's a lot I don't know about her life and experiences, and a lot that now I never will. It's... jarring, but the only thing to do is move forwards.
Jan 2
Wrote 1259 words today and practiced more pixel art. Had to buy a new shirt and pants for the funeral, but I found something soon enough. It's only two days away now - hopefully I don't fall apart during it. I don't think I will, but not knowing for sure isn't comforting.
Jan 3
Wrote 688 words. Funeral tomorrow, I really don't know how I'll take it. The heat is bringing out all sorts of insects, which is exactly what I don't need right now. I've lost track of a wasp in my room and I can't stop thinking about the cockroaches that are probably hiding somewhere or other. Hopefully things stop piling up after the funeral, or at least we get some fresh baits.
Jan 5
No writing today or yesterday.
The funeral was yesterday. I didn't know many of the people there - I've never been close with most of my extended family, and I'm generally not good keeping names and faces straight unless I'm with people a lot. I don't know if it's all sunk in yet, but the numbness has definitely broken; I can feel things about this again, things I don't want to feel but I know I have to to get through it. I'm lucky to have friends I can lean on during this, I don't know what I'd do without them.
Two days is too long to go without a habit I'm trying to form. I'll write tomorrow, and try to read seriously, and maybe if I can clear the space I'll play piano. I think my grandmother would have liked that.
Jan 6
Wrote 545 words today. Didn't get around to the piano, it still needs space cleared to play it. I read, but only fanfiction - definitely have to open up a book tomorrow and get away from the screen a bit more.
Jan 7
Wrote 1310 words. Quiet day. I forgot to mention that I ran an errand yesterday, I guess, but other than that things have been quiet here. I think I need that right now, but hopefully I can make things happen soon.
Jan 8
Nothing written today. Not a good day, don't know why. Have to hope for better tomorrow.
Jan 9
Had to run errands, so nothing written today. My computer monitor broke a few days ago so we went to a few charity shops until we found a new one - hopefully that will make doing things tomorrow easier. Also picked up a cute cup at one of the shops - double-walled, shaped like an ice cream cone. I have a straw that fits it well, so maybe I'll find something to use it for soon.
Jan 10
No writing today. Did an hour of piano practice - my first goal is Deltarune's "My Castle Town", but I want to be able to play Moonsetter by the time my boyfriend is living with me.
Jan 11
Wrote 261 words. Another hour of piano practice - Castle Town is progressing well, though I just don't have the finger strength yet to do the rapid dyads the song needs, and I can't do two hands at once with any speed or complexity. I work tomorrow so probably no more practice until the weekend, hopefully that doesn't make me atrophy too much.
Jan 12
Nothing written, nothing done. Work exhausted me - my first day this year, and the first day back since before Christmas. I hardly had energy to eat dinner, let alone think about anything else - including what to write in a journal entry. Hopefully I get used to this again quickly.
Jan 13
(Actually writing this the next morning because I forgot last night.) Nothing written, nothing done. Work wasn't as tiring, I actually felt alive in the evening, but I still didn't have the energy to do much. No more work for a while now though, so I can get back into doing things.
Jan 14
Wrote 1130 words. No piano practice, though I plan to go back to it tomorrow. Also reorganised some old writing projects and watched Enola Holmes 2 - far more enjoyable than it has any right to be, I hope they keep making them now Holmes is fully public domain. Tomorrow's plans: more writing, piano, possibly exercise, and send a few emails I've been putting off.
Jan 15
Wrote 1566 words. It was a worldbuilding primer today, which has been a fun change of pace. It's been a long time since I had the drive and energy to establish a world and characters, and I'm proud of what I've done so far with this one. Probably it'll be part of my writing for tomorrow too, though I also want to write a proper story tomorrow if I can find a way to start it.
Some personal stuff going on with my partner right now. He deserves better than what he's got to deal with right now, but I can't do much from where I am, so I have to just keep him company and talk him through things. Hopefully we'll see each other again soon, I want to know that he's doing alright and keeping his head up.
Jan 16
Wrote 906 words. More of the primer. Nothing else today, just taking some quiet days where I can get them before uni starts again.
Jan 19
No words written, today or the last two days. Summer came suddenly, and heat exhaustion with it - I've been sitting here doing nothing all this time, even had to call out of work because I was nauseous from the heat. I don't want to give up on my resolution because I want to get serious writing done this year, but it's disheartening to be slipping like this so early on and have no idea what I can really do better.
Jan 27
911 words written yesterday (26th), nothing written today or any other day. Heat exhaustion is still ruining me, and having the week off of work for Australia Day took apart my whole routine. I wanted to have a story finished every week, but it's looking like this might be the second week in a row without one unless I can scrape myself together tomorrow. I'm still hopeful, but after so long of no progress, I just don't know.
Moved some things into a storage unit with my parents today, to clear the house up a bit. Hopefully having it cleaner will help us all be a bit more relaxed, because things can get tense very easily right now. Dad's also cooking a lot in the air fryer, which is nice, even if it does take up a lot of space.
Jan 28
Wrote 1388 words today. It's funny how sometimes I can't do anything and sometimes words come so easily. I wish I could be more consistent, but at least it's reassuring that I can still put words on the page sometimes.
Jan 29
Wrote 889 words. Not much more to say today, the heat was obnoxious.
February
Feb 1
Wrote 887 words. Back to work tomorrow, hopefully I'll keep writing through it.
Feb 3
Wrote 884 words yesterday. Wrote 1320 words today. Work was fine, though I was too tired yesterday night to remember to update the journal.
Feb 4
Wrote 800 words. Went to lunch with a family friend that's moving away. She's the first person outside of my parents and close friends that knows I'm gay, and was very respectful about it, which meant a lot.
Feb 5
Wrote 896 words. Watched Everything Everywhere All At Once - parents didn't really understand it, but it hit very hard for me. I'm honestly tempted to try and write something for it, but I probably won't. I'll just sit here being impressed that they managed to outdo Homestuck in terms of the ultimate self.
Feb 6
Wrote 969 words.
Feb 7
Wrote 1815 words.
Feb 14
Wrote 643 words yesterday. It's been a bit of a rough time recently - I was going to do something special for Valentine's Day, and then life got in the way.
It's hard being distant from the ones we love. There's so little I can do sometimes, when all I want is to be there for him and give him the support he deserves. I have to put my faith in others to do right by him, and I don't have many reasons to trust in that. I don't even know how many days he'll be out of contact while he's looked after - it could be three, it could be ten, God forbid it ends up being even more.
It's the right thing for him. He needs more care than he was getting, at least for a while, and if the cost for him being safe and whole is losing touch with him for a week, I'll just have to find my way through without him until then.
Feb 21
Nothing written since my last entry.
I didn't expect it to be easy, but it's more panic-inducing than I ever expected to be out of contact for so long. A week now, and I haven't heard anything. I'm trying to think positively, but it's hard, and my brain keeps telling me all the ways he could be in trouble right now - not treated properly, lonely, forcefully out of contact - at the worst moments I wonder if he's alive at all. I know I'm just catastrophising, but knowing that doesn't help me stop.
It's my first day on campus this year tomorrow. I have to get up early to make it to my lecture on time, so hopefully having that bit of the routine taken out of my hands will help me get out the other side of this.
Feb 22
He's home now, everything turned out okay. I didn't realise how much of a weight that would lift off of me. No writing done today, but I think I'll be able to get more done now that this isn't hanging over me.
It was the first day of the semester. Just a lecture today, but it'll ramp up more next week. It's good to be getting out of the house for other things, even if I'm not really social at uni. Maybe I can find some society activities to join? They always seem to plan them when I have obligations, but if I stay around for enough years, it'll have to line up with me eventually.
Feb 28
Still no writing. I've fallen off badly this month, but I don't know what to do about it. Especially with university starting now, I just don't have the motivation to write everything I want to.
Went to see Oxford Street today, since it was Mardi Gras last weekend. I wanted to try to buy something with the nonbinary flag on it, ideally a real flag to hang up in my room, but there was just... nothing. Every ad in the city had the progress pride flag shoved in somewhere, every shop had pennants of them hanging up, but I didn't see a single nonbinary flag for sale.
Flags that I saw for sale on Oxford Street: five rainbow pride flags, one lipstick lesbian flag, two gay bear flags, and one puppy pride flag. I don't know if I'm letting this get to me too much, but it just made me feel very small to think that this vertical slice of the Sydney queer community had nothing to represent me. I want to be out about myself, but is it a good idea? Will I find people like me, or just a new way to be different from everyone else?
March
Mar 8
Wrote 794 words yesterday. Nothing written today. First a crisis with my boyfriend, then with my best friend, and then a heatwave. It's always something, isn't it? I don't know what's happening with me lately, but it definitely isn't satisfying to do so little. Maybe I can get some writing done during work, it's relatively quiet now that Summer is (theoretically) over.
Mar 12
Wrote 537 words
Mar 19
Wrote 928 words yesterday. 700 more today. Trying to pull myself out of this slump after a very bad weekend - I don't even know why, everything just started to weigh on me. I forgot things that happened on Wednesday. I cried over nothing. I snapped at people I cared about and overinvested in people I didn't and felt like an open wound over not getting a Minecraft server running.
Sometimes it feels like the only reason to build myself up is to watch it fall down again whenever the universe gets bored of my stability. I try to remember what I have, though; that my boyfriend deserves me at the best I can make myself, that my happiness makes other people happy, that even if I fall back down again I genuinely enjoy building myself up in the first place. It's hard, but it's what I have, and I like what I have.
Mar 21
Wrote 998 words yesterday. Wrote 1442 words today. Didn't actually watch the lecture I was meant to for my class tomorrow, I'll have to find time to cram it in between my lecture and the class itself. Either that or do the reading and hope that that covers it in enough detail.
Mar 22
Wrote 1055 words. Spoke with someone in the uni's socialist society today, it was good to socialise with someone new for a change - especially someone I could trust with some more honesty than people I normally see. It felt good not to be so closed-off.
Mar 23
Wrote 1149 words. I think I have a genuine hyperfixation going on right now that I'm tapping to write all of this. Hopefully I can carry that forward into other things once this wears off or I run out of ideas for it, though that could take a while.
Mar 25
Wrote 1737 words. Took yesterday off because I was exhausted from work, but gladly it didn't break my motivation for today. Didn't do as much uni work as I intended, but I'm still in a good position going forward, I don't have a backlog or anything too bad looming. Hoping to also practice piano some more tomorrow, but I'm not sure if that will happen or not.
Mar 28
Wrote 1597 words. Trying to write Homestuck again after a long pause, to mixed results. I got a decent amount written, but I couldn't really get into the groove I'm used to, and that I was in last week. I'll finish the piece I started tomorrow, but then I'm probably not going to do a lot of Homestuck for the near future.
April
Apr 5
Wrote 856 words. I don't know what's happening lately, I've been in a strange rut. I feel like my brain is buzzing, like I can't do anything that I put my mind to. Had to take the day off of classes today because I just couldn't be ready for them in time. At least break is starting soon, so I'll have more time to myself.
Apr 12
Wrote 1620 words. Nothing else to say about it, really.
Apr 23
Wrote 862 words.
I still don't know what's happening. I feel heavy in my brain, like there's inertia against anything I try to do or even say sometimes. I think part of it is longing, as cliche as it sounds - I've been thinking about my trip a lot, and what it was like to spend time with my boyfriend. How long the sun stayed up, how nice it was to be alone together in the space, not having to think of anyone else when we spoke. The late nights spent just talking in a dark room, close and quiet like there wasn't anything else but us in the world.
It's hard to be apart, but it's not like anyone can change that. I just have to keep waiting until he's here with me again and I can feel like the person I want to be again.
May
May 10
Wrote 879 words yesterday. Nothing today.
Nothing new, no change. My therapist says it's textbook brain fog, that I need more protein and less carbs and better stress management skills. She's definitely right, but it feels so inadequate. Like I should be able to effect some sort of sea change to fix myself by sheer will. Am I making myself too important? Overestimating myself? Or is it just me being hopeful that I can do more than is actually reasonable for myself, yet again?